It’s always so nice to get up early in the morning and be greeted “good morning” by your lovely wife, see the smile in her innocent face and the freshness in her voice. Most of my days begin in this manner nowadays. Perhaps this is the life, what people call “happily married “.
Let me introduce myself to all of you. I am Sanjay Suri popularly known as sanju among my friends and relatives. So you people can refer to me as sanju hereafter. My lovely wife Shree and my 3 year old son Rakesh, that’s what makes my family here at London. Sometimes I miss my country India so much that my heart yearns to return there but work brought me here and its work, due to which I cannot return. I am presently working for an architectural firm, but its not long after which I’m going to open my own firm, that too in India. Shree has been my biggest support for all these years of struggle from one firm to another. She understands me so well and also my profession. Well it’s imperative that she would understand as she herself is an architect too.
All these years, I have been changing firm after firm. Economically I was not stable enough to start my own business and I could not risk my entire savings on my business as it could turn the other way round and I have a family to look after. Finally 4 years ago, I joined UMBRELLA CONSTRUCTIONS here at London and I am happy working with them. Work culture here at London is far better than it was in India. It was about then when Shree got pregnant and I had my first baby boy. It’s such a nice feeling to be a father. The sense of protectiveness a father feels for his son cannot be explained by anyone other than a father, just like a mother’s love cannot be understood by anybody.
Daily I leave for office at 9am and return home by 7 in the evening. Yesterday I was scheduled to meet a client and I was informed that the client side engineer who was coming to meet me was from India. So, I was sent for the meeting as I would be able to connect well with the Indian guy. I was waiting for the man at cafe Barista at 5pm. A short figured man in a neatly tailored suit entered the cafe. He had a laptop with him and was looking in the other direction from my table. He gestured for the waiter and asked him something. The waiter showed him my table and the man turned my way. He was a man with curly hairs and well shaved. But he had a trademark moustache which reminded me of one of my friends. As the man approached my table, he began to look more like my friend.
He came to my table and said, “Are you by any chance sanju from alipurduar?”
My expressions changed instantaneously and I don’t know what happened next. All I remember is, the time when I felt that we have hugged for quite some time. It was a long and warm hug from a long time old friend. The meeting was so unexpected that the hug meant all the more then. Our companies had sent us because we were both from India. They thought that we would connect well with one another, but they didn’t know that we would turn out to be best buddies of old times and that the meeting would bring no result at all for our companies.
My friend is Rahul Mehra and he is a mechanical engineer. Well settled with Larsen and Toubro in the London office. He got married to the love of his life 6 years ago. We all attended the party and enjoyed very much. That was the last time we had met. After that, time did not give way for our friendship to bear some fruits. And now we met out of all odds and out of nowhere, so, it’s quite natural that we’ll give a damn to the professional talk and talk non-stop with a long lost friend. Earlier we used to talk so much about life and all, and now we are living a life we have made for ourselves. So now we have all the more talking to do....
We chatted for 3 long hours right there at the cafe and many old memories came back live, afresh. I am going to share some of those memories with you all and would request you to stop whenever you feel that it is getting boring. These are feelings from my past and so they mean a lot to me at least, if not others...
I and Rahul were having coffee at Barista when we overheard the conversation of a couple of guys sitting next to us. They were, I guess college students, and they were discussing something very serious about life. They were discussing the difference between LOVE and INFATUATION....The moment Rahul heard the two terms being uttered, he looked at me. I knew exactly why he looked at me in that fashion and I returned the look to him. The thing is, we got very nostalgic about such a discussion which we had when we were at college...
10 years AGO.....
We were all 21 then. I, Rahul and our third friend Siddhant, we were all friends from our school days. After school got over we got to meet one another after a gap of 6 months or even a year or so. But when we did get time, we utilised that time to the fullest. Let me tell a little bit about all of us individually so that you can connect to our characters...
I was then a student of School of Planning and Architecture (SPA), New Delhi, 4th year B.Arch. I had always been a casual student right from my childhood. I used to study only those subjects which I liked and other subjects...who cares. After my 12th board exams, I could not decide which stream to study. Then I got Architecture at SPA with my rank at AIEEE. Architecture had always been an interest of mine and so getting through to SPA was a dream come true for me. Initially I used to enjoy college like anything, used to attend all classed and all. Then after 2 months in college, I found my first love and the Love of my life. Shree was also a student of my class and we fell in love with each other within 2 months at college.
I thought I was very lucky to have found her and she thought the same about me. We respected each other in our relationship and were very much practical about life. That’s what has helped us get along even after we had so many long lasting quarrels between us. Now after 3 years of being with her, I believe that though there are certain differences between us but those differences are bound to be there even if I leave her and go for another girl. I understood it quite early that nobody is perfect, and if you have to make a relationship last without bringing the “dominance” factor then you have to compromise and let your partner do the same.
By now you all must have understood that though I got lucky in love the first time around but I am a very practical sort of a guy. Being practical doesn’t mean that I don’t get into fights with Shree. I think more from heart and I’m more honest than what is necessary. This trait of mine has got me into trouble an n number of times. But I don’t regret being honest with my soulmate J
But, everyone has a past...I too had one. While at school, I used to like a girl very much. Don’t know what it was but the feeling was strong enough to make me spend quite a few sleepless nights. It was strong enough to make me punch at a bathroom wall and break a tile there. I never got the chance to say her about my feelings and now I feel that it was for the good. Else I would not have found Shree in my life.
NOW, its Rahul. Rahul was studying at SRM Chennai, studying Mechanical Engineering there. He had a year lag while entering college as he gave his entrance exams two times, hoping for a better result the second time. So, he was studying in 3rd year while I was in my 4th year. Rahul is a shy type guy, he is a bit introvert and doesn’t open up with people much. Short figured with curly hairs and a remarkable pair of eyes. His eyes did his talking all the time. You would know if something is wrong with him once you look at his eyes for a minute. He always used to wear formal pants and did not emoticate much with friends or with relatives. Anyone could have a look at him and say much about his nature.
We studied together till class 10 and then he went to Kota for his high schooling there. There he made friendship with a girl and used to share quite a lot with her. That was after he was madly in love with a girl at school for 4 years or so. But the girl never had any feelings for him or maybe she was a bit more practical as she was of Bengali origin and she knew that it would be difficult for the two of them to get along as Rahul is not a Bengali...So, in kota, Rahul made friends with Akansha and they were like best buddies. Then all of a sudden, Rahul began to feel that their relation was something more than friendship and he began to think about it the other way round.
Well, Akansha might have had feelings for Rahul from a time, earlier than that of Rahul and so when Rahul approached her, she let him. They moved on to a steady and healthy relationship and that relation taught him a lot of things. He was such a guy who would never hide a thing from his mother. But Akansha and her love taught him to be bold enough to face life. He got all the more practical about life and now he has changed a lot from that shy guy that he used to be. He is very happy to have Akansha in his life and always says whenever he gets high...”main akansha ke bagair jee nahin payunga...uske bagair mera koi wajood hi nahin rahega...main usse itna pyar karta hoon...wo agar mujhe chhor kar chali jaye kabhi to main use mar dunga aur khud bhi mar jayunga”. These are the things which only we know...we the friends...we the buddies from school J
NOW its Siddhant...you have known me and Rahul well enough and now its time you get to know our third friend Siddhant, or should I say, emotional Siddhant...He was the definition of a perfect nice guy at school. No one could say anything against him while we were at school. He was the lone friend in our group who did not used to smoke while at school. We had a group of 4 friends who were very close to each other and we were also smoke buddies. I, Rahul and 2 others. Siddhant was still not there in our group as he was a non-smoker and it was very difficult to trust a non-smoker with our smoking secret at that time when we were at class 8 or so.
Meanwhile, we got a chance to interact with Siddhant and then we came to know that he was not that bad as we used to think him to be. We used to think that he is concerned only with studies and a bit arrogant, so, we did not used to think him to be a part of our group. The wheel of time turned and abruptly we found that Siddhant became one of us. He was such a pure friend then and even now he is a treasured friend anyone can have. He did not start smoking though, to become a part of our group. We let him in without being a smoker :-P
Time passed on and our group broke up into pieces...after our school final exams i.e. the std X exams, three of our friends went to different places to study and I was left with Siddhant alone. Then those 2 years of studying together, we grew closer to each other. Our frequencies began to match and take a resonance effect. We grew to become best friends thereafter.
Siddhant was a very bright and intelligent guy but the same as me regarding matters related to career, i.e. casual. Both of us used to think a lot about our careers but we never did anything such that our dreams could be realised. We used to live in a world of fantasies in those 2 years of our lives. We used to dream to make it big in life, but never used to work for that. Siddhant was casual with everything in life. He did not have any girlfriend and did not wish to have one either. He was not a sort of guy with whom girls would be very interested to spend time with. He had average looks with neatly combed straight hairs (nice guy type), eyebrows that looked like they have been plucked at a beauty salon, reddish eyes, by seeing which any stranger would say that he is on drugs...and he had a very nice little belly of his own. That was how Siddhant looked, definitely not enough to impress anyone with his looks...
Time passed on while we lived in our fantasy worlds and it was not too late before which we found ourselves sitting in an exam hall with MCQ type questions in front of us. Abruptly, we came out of our dreams and felt the real challenge, but it was too late then. We did not study for the entire 2 years and now all of a sudden if you are asked to score at the Joint Entrance Examination then its quite a difficult ask. Still, I secured a rank within 500 for the B.Arch and Siddhant managed a good enough rank of 15k for the engineering. But the rank was not good enough for him I guess, so, he decided to reappear for the AIEEE in the next year and thought he would take a gap that year. But people all around him suggested that he should take a college and so he got all the more puzzled and screwed up everything. He got himself admitted to a college but was determined not to study there. He sat for the AIEEE again next year and managed 7k rank...that could have been far better had he not joined college and gave all the time to his JEE preparation..
Siddhant took a siddhant that he would leave his present college and join his favourite stream i.e. Electrical engineering at Delhi College of Engineering, Delhi. We all respected his decision and encouraged him to move on with the stream of his choice. He had simple motives in life...to enjoy each and every moment of life to the fullest. He did not have any complications in life, like having a girlfriend or stuff like that. He was happy to be single and remain so until the correct girl comes to his life...he always used to say when asked “bhai tere zindagi mein kabhi koi ayegi bhi ya tu aisehi reh jayega ?”...he used to answer...”jab aani hogi..aa jayegi..uske liye kya main raste pe bhatku yaa ghar ghar jaake use dhundun...jab aani hogi aa jayegi”
Life went on like that, seldom we used to regroup our old group. All of us were never present together at Pune and so our group was never complete. But we had one great friend always waiting for us at Pune, Saurabh Tiwari, not the cricketer but a great friend. He used to study a diploma course in Automobile Engineering at Pune itself. So, he was always available whenever we came down to our hometown. We had quality time spent with long lost friends, once or twice a year. That was the time for which each one of us could do anything....
Two more years passed like that...I am in my fourth year now, Rahul and Siddhant are on third years in their respective colleges. Siddhant and myself used to stay at Delhi and so we used to meet quite often. Siddhant invited me for his birthday as usual and I went to his rented house in vasant kunj. When I met him that day, he was not his usual self, something in him was different. He was all in smiles. I sensed something and he did not waste any time either. He called me to a corner and hugged me...and said....”yaar sanju...main iss pyar naam ki cheez se chhup nahin paya yaar”..
I was so happy for him...I was about to give him a kick at the back and hug him again when he stopped me and began to say something again...”yaar abhi tak maine use bataya nahin aur shayad uske wor se reply negative hi hogi”. That sentence made me sad...but I didn’t see any sadness in his face. He was happy that after so many years he has someone in his life..someone whom he likes so much. And somewhere he knew that the girl would also fall for him some day or maybe the girl already likes him.
Then we got in and the party began at night. That night after 12 o’clock don’t know what happened, but Siddhant was not happy with something. He had invited 6 friends in total and had arranged a lot of chicken and liquor for them. Though we were not allowed chicken at home, but we used to have it whenever we were away. But I didn’t see him enjoying that day like the other days. I sensed that something was wrong, but he was trying to hide everything within himself. The night passed on like that and it was morning at 6am when someone wished him. He got wishes from different persons all over the night but that was someone special. His mood churned up after he got that wish, and by 30 more minutes he was fast asleep.
A month passed after that and I met Siddhant at a restaurant by chance. That day he was very very upset with something. He came to me and said “sab bhuulana padega yaar...zindagi mein pehli baar pyar kiya...aur usko bhi bhulana padega...”. He was not at all well. He came there with his college friends and they moved out after they had finished their lunch. I was there with my college friends too, and I kept wondering that “aisa kya hogaya uske saath jo wo aise toot gaya”...I was thinking of all the possibilies when Siddhant entered again, came to me and sat next to me. The second time he entered, I knew that something is seriously wrong with him. Otherwise he is not that weak a character that anything, absolutely anything could shake him upto that limit. He came and began to talk about other things, trying to distract himself from the thing that was bothering him so much.
That night I called him to confirm whether everything was alright. That night I spoke to a different Siddhant altogether. I have never seen Siddhant cry in all these years of staying together. Nothing could make him cry so easily. That night on phone, he was crying or was about to cry. His voice was very heavy and all I could do was to console him and make him believe that the girl would believe in his love one day. I was thinking that Siddhant is so childish...”kisi ladki ne use haske baat kya kar liya...usne socha ki wo ladki usse pyar karti hai...”. Such a childish friend I had. He had no experience related to love and so it was a tuf time for him. I knew it from the very beginning that the thing which he is calling “Love” is just a mere “Infatuation” and nothing else. For me, I believe that love can never be one sided...one can never experience love if its one-sided. One can at max have a strong affection for another individual...that’s it. Its my individual opinion though.
If an individual is infatuated then he would feel the panic...it would be hard for him to concentrate on anything else...and most importantly...the infatuation thing is dominated by the sexual attraction...and there is a little scope for emotions..while the difference with Love is...emotions do the talking always..being hurt when neglected but never expressing that...not expecting anything in return but a small portion of heart yearning to get the love in return...But both the feelings cannot be sustained if there is no communication between the individuals...both the feelings eventually dies out if there is no communication for a long long time.
The thing with Siddhant was complicated to suggest...he was sure that it is Love and not a mere infatuation...as it always is the case with anyone being infatuated..:P....One day he called me up...after about a month from that restaurant meeting...and said...”yaar main apne aap ko samajhne ke liye waqt dena chhahata hoon...dekhna chahata hoon ki mere andar jo ye hai...wo kya hai...I want to see it for myself and not get carried away by the thoughts so easily...”...That day I got the feeling that “baccha bara ho gaya hai”....Siddhant is matured enough to test his feelings for himself first and for that he is ready to give time to his relationship...that was really sensible...
Time passed on after that...we all went to our hometown Pune for our vacations and then came the day which I have been talking about earlier...
One day..I, Rahul and Siddhant were all sitting on a sound place...we usually used to spend time there...with beer bottles and a lot of talk in store...That day was not an usual day for all of us...Siddhant took us for a drive early in the afternoon and was driving really recklessly...perhaps he was upset with something...he almost killed all of us while on the Mumbai-pune highway...then we were there at our place of peace with beer bottles...
Rahul was talking random stuff when Siddhant, who was quietly sitting all the time, spoke....he demanded attention and said that he would raise a very vital question and he wants answers....he asked “What is the difference between Infatuation and Love ?”...that was the question revolving around his mind all the time and finally he asked the question to his closest buddies. Rahul got very uneasy at the question and was reluctant to answer....many thoughts came to Rahul and to me too..we got lost to our past for a while and Siddhant asked the question again...then we returned...
Rahul said that he doesn’t know where the difference between love and infatuation lies...he was not sure what to say...he just said “mera jo payel ke liye tha...school mein rehte waqt...wo infatuation to nahin tha”...Payel was the Bengali girl for whom Rahul had feelings while at school...they never got into a relationship but still Rahul demanded that it was love. Rahul continued...”main janta hoon ki mera jo abhi pyar hai akansha ke liye...wo usse kahin badkar hai...aur wo isliye ki akansha bhi mujhse pyar karti hai...” There was reason enough in what Rahul said...if you love someone and that person loves you back...then the love between the two increases a lot...Rahul further continued...”koi kitna bhi kahein..love is something where physical attraction matters...be it anything...a hug...a kiss...anything...and in love..when the two people get close to one another...the love between them increases many many times..”...All of a sudden...Rahul began to sound more logical than he actually was...
Siddhant had been listening carefully to whatever Rahul said and analysed each and every word that he had said...Then he turned towards me...I knew that it was my turn to give an answer to one of the trickiest question possible...I tried to explain it to Siddhant the real scenario...I said...”tu ye jo mehsoos kar raha hai iswaqt...ye agar pyar hai to...iske baad agar koi aur tere zindagi mein aaye aur tu uske liye bhi aisehi mehsoos karega...infact zyada kuch mehsoos karega...to usko kya kahega ? “....Siddhant nodded...as if he understood exactly what I meant to say...infact I myself was not clear what I was saying...
I further added...”Shree se milne se pehle...school mein tujhe to pata hai...main liza ke liye kaise feel karta tha...aur mujhe pata nahin ki wo kya tha...wo infatuation tha ya kuch aur tha...par Rahul k ek baat se main ekdum sahmat hoon...ki....if your lover also loves you back...if you two get intimate enough...then the love between the two increases many times...”...I made Siddhant understood that the way I feel about Shree now...the feeling that I have for her now...is much stronger than what I had for Liza...and I made it clear to him that the feeling for Liza could also have become stronger if Liza would also have had loved me....
Well the funny part is...I had told Siddhant that...if he is thinking this feeling of his to be “love” then what would he call the feeling if someday he experiences such a feeling for someone else ?....Now, I contradicted myself with what my heart said about Liza....even now...And about Rahul too...he too told that his feeling for Payel was definitely not infatuation...My mind was telling me that Siddhant’s feeling is just an infatuation...but I knew at my heart that knowing the type of guy Siddhant was...it might as well be Love for him...
After listening to everything...Siddhant began to say...”dekh yaar...mujhe pata nahin ki mere dil mein jo hai wo kya hai...mujhe pata hai ki wo mujhe pyar nahin karti...main use bhulne ki koshis bhi kar chukka hoon par koi fayda nahin huwa...mera dil ye manne ke liye tayyar hi nahin hai ki wo mujhse kabhi bhi pyar nahin karegi...isse tumlog infatuation bolo ya kuch bhi bolo...mere liye to ye ek hi baat hai...” We were amazed by what he said...he clearly admitted that the girl doesn’t love him...the pain in his face could be seen...the shimmer in his voice could be felt...he was shaking as he was uttering those words. Maybe it would have been easier for him to speak had he drunk the beer and then spoken...but we had not started drinking then...Well, I felt good about the fact that for Siddhant it doesn’t really matter anymore if his feeling is infatuation or love...this was a great symptom that he had fallen in love...
He had taken a long pause...his eyes were closed...maybe he was thinking about her...we saw a faint smile in his lips which vanished quickly as he returned to reality...He began to speak once again...” the emotions I have for her...uske liye jo mere man mein hamesha chinta lagi rehti hai..ki wo koi galat ladke se pyar naa kar baithe...is duniya mein haramiyon ki kami nahin hai koi...main chah kar bhi duur nahin kar paa raha hoon... use meri zindagi se...”.... he was concerned about the girl...he was getting protective about her...accha laga ye dekhkar ki hamara dost kisike liye itna sochta hai...the concern for her could be felt by us...It was like...if a guy ever misbehaves with her...siddhant would break that guy’s face...Our friend is a very non-violent sort of a guy...but his temper knows no limits once he gets really angry...and judging by what he was...it was easily believable that he could break anyone’s face...if she supported him...
Siddhant took a beer bottle and finished 3/4th of it at one go..then he began once again..it seemed as if the “love vs infatuation” thing had taken a toll on him...”kya burai hai agar main usse pyar karta hoon...kya burai hai agar main usse thoda sa pyar mangta hoon...agar wo mujhe wo pyar nahin bhi degi...to bhi main to uske liye mera pyar change nahin kar payunga....lekin kya burai hai agar mera maan thoda sa pyar maange to”...Siddhant was getting really emotional while he uttered those words...well he is an emotional guy as I have already mentioned while describing him...But we had never seen him like that before..he loved to enjoy with friends and distribute a lot of free advice to everybody...now this guy himself needs advice in life..And the biggest problem is...he knows everything himself..but his heart is simply not letting him accept the things he already knows...He began again....”kya karoon main...you are already the centre of my world...I am no longer flexible enough to fall for another gal...infact I am already committed to you...koi dusri ladki ka khayal tak nahin aata ajkal...kya karoon main”...I sensed that Siddhant was getting highly emotional and so I tried to divert the topic...Siddhant now addressed us...”Arrey yaar...kitna koshish kiya bhulaaneka...kabhi kabhi to khudko itna busy rakhta hoon taki uski yaad naa aaye...par wo mere zehen mein bas gayi hai...she has reached my subconscious and unconscious mind...raat ko neend mein 3-4 baar uth jaata hoon...sapne mein wo aati hain...abhi main sapno pe kaise control karoon yaar...kaise ??”...I tried to talk about something else...It took me some more time..but I was successful in doing so and the later part of the evening we spent with a light heart...all of us...We all drunk our lives...and enjoyed the rest of the evening together...
Siddhant remained like that for the rest of his college life...We got very less time to spend with each other...and we never got a chance to meet at Pune after that...College life came to an end and still then Siddhant had a hope that the girl might still fall for him someday...That was the last time all three of us got to spend some time together...I met Rahul quite a few times after that and Siddhant went to the US for his M.S. degree...Rahul and I used to talk often about the feeling Siddhant had about that girl...Was it Infatuation or Love ?
BACK TO PRESENT.........
Barista cafe at London had seldom served 20 cups of coffee to a single table....Rahul and I talked a lot about Siddhant when suddenly Rahul decided to call Saurabh Tiwary...the friend who did diploma on Automobile Engineering...Rahul called him up and enquired whether he has any contact details of Siddhant...Rahul’s eyes lit up and he was searching for a piece of paper and a pen....I hurried the stuff from my bag...and he noted down a number which belonged to Canada...Rahul called the number...”hello”...that was the first word from the other side of the line...Rahul said..”may I talk to Mr Siddhant Modi ?”...the man from the other side said...”Speaking”...a rush of blood reached our hearts and out....”Abbe saaale...pehchana ??”..
Siddhant was taken aback by the sudden use of language which we used to use...
Siddhant : ”nahin kaun”
Rahul : ”abbey main Rahul aur mere saath Sanju bhi hai...”
Siddhant took a deep breadth...and replied...
Siddhant : ”arey saalo...itne saalon baad....yaakeen nahin ho rahi hai...”
Me : ”yaar teri bahut yaad aa rahi hai...”
Rahul : ”yaar tere us sawaal ke baare mein baat ho rahi thi”
Siddhant : ”kaunsa sawaal..”
Me : ”arey wohi...Infatuation or Love ? “
Siddhant : “arey wo...us sawaal ko to maine kab ka solve kar liya tha...”
Me and Rahul : “to kya jawab mila...?”
Siddhant : “milke bataunga”
Us : “teri shaadi ho gayi hai ?”
Siddhant : “haan 6 saal pehle ho gayi hai...aur main bahut khush bhi hoon...my wife loves me a lot...”
Us : “suspense se hi marega kya..bata naa...ki kya teri shaadi usi ladki ke saath huyi hai..?? kyat ha wo...Infatuation or Love ?”
Siddhant : “abhi nahin...milke bataunga...saalo tumlogon se milne ki badi iccha ho rahi hai...kaha ho tumlog ? “
Rahul : “hum London mein hai...”
Siddhant : “great...main next week London aa raha hoon for a business meeting...tab mulaqat hogi...”
Us : “tu jaldi aake hume mil...aur bhaabhi ko bhi leke aana...”
Siddhant : “haa zaroor...chal abhi bye kaam hai”
He hung up...and the mystery remained unsolved for us...what was it...”Infatuation or Love ?”....
